The Unique Impact of Bereavement on Military Families

Bereavement in military families carries unique dimensions that distinguish it from civilian grief experiences. The loss of a service member - whether through combat, training accidents, illness, suicide, or other causes - profoundly disrupts families both emotionally and practically, often compounded by the abrupt severance from the military community and support systems. If the death occurs while the family is living in service accommodation, they may not have close family support available nearby.

Different Types of Military Death

Killed in Action (In-Service):

Combat and Service-related deaths bring a particular complexity to grief. Families may struggle with the circumstances of the death - wondering if their loved one suffered, questioning military decisions, or grappling with the “what ifs” of deployment. There is often a public dimension to the loss, with media attention, military ceremonies, and community recognition that can feel both honouring and intrusive. Some families find meaning in the service and sacrifice narrative, whilst others feel anger or betrayal towards the institution.

Illness or Accident (In-Service and Post-Service):

Deaths from illness or accident can carry different burdens. These losses may lack the public recognition given to combat deaths, potentially leaving families feeling their grief is somehow “less significant”. Medical illnesses may involve prolonged caregiving periods where spouses become primary carers, fundamentally altering family dynamics. Accidents - whether in vehicles, training incidents, or off-duty events - can bring sudden, shocking loss without the framework of “service and sacrifice” that helps some families find meaning.

Suicide (In-Service and Post-Service):

Death by suicide presents perhaps the most complex and stigmatised form of military bereavement. Suicide rates among UK Armed Forces veterans have been a growing concern, with research indicating possible elevated risk particularly among younger veterans who left service prematurely or struggled with transition.

For the bereaved, suicide can bring:

- Stigma and Shame: despite increasing mental health awareness, suicide remains heavily stigmatised. Families may encounter attitudes suggesting the death was somehow preventable or a personal failing, rather than recognising the complex interplay of trauma, mental illness, inadequate support, and circumstance.

- Guilt and Self-Blame: surviving family and friends can experience “if only” thoughts - if only they had noticed warning signs, intervened differently, or provided more support. Spouses may question whether they failed their partner; children may wonder if they were “not enough” reason to live; parents may feel they somehow failed in raising their child.

- Anger at the Military System: some families feel the Ministry of Defence and wider military healthcare system failed their loved one. They may point to inadequate mental health provision, delays in accessing care, stigma around seeking help within military culture, or failures in transition support. This anger can be both justified and complicate grief, as families feel trapped between honouring their loved one’s service and holding the institution accountable.

- Complicated Questions Without Answers: unlike other deaths, suicide leaves families searching for reasons that may never be fully understood. The deceased’s mental state, operational trauma, adjustment difficulties, or other factors may remain painfully ambiguous.

- Trauma for Those Who Found the Body: family members who discover the suicide face their own traumatic response, with intrusive memories and images that complicate their grief journey.

Practical Disruptions

The loss of Service Family Accommodation (SFA) creates perhaps the most jarring practical impact. Surviving families are typically required to vacate their Service Family Accommodation, and regulations now provide a two-year notice period, offering significantly more time for adjustment and planning. However, this can still mean:

• Facing the eventual loss of their home during a period of profound grief
• Leaving the neighbourhood and community that knows and supports their story
• Children potentially needing to change schools at a sensitive stage in their grief
• Navigating housing markets and making major financial decisions while emotionally vulnerable

Whilst death benefits exist, families suddenly shift from military income to managing solely on benefits and survivor income. The surviving spouse must learn to navigate numerous schemes such as:

• Armed Forces Compensation Scheme (AFCS) claims
• War Pension Scheme (for deaths attributable to service)
• Surviving Adult Dependant’s Pension
• Bereavement Support Payment
• Life Insurance claims
• Service Pension (if applicable)

Many surviving spouses report feeling overwhelmed by paperwork during acute grief. This can often include the requirement to retell the circumstances of the death, sometimes to numerous different authorities, and this can cause repeated trauma for bereaved families. This could be minimised by applying responsible and compliant data sharing principles. Notably, families bereaved by suicide may face additional challenges if there are questions about service attribution, which can affect compensation eligibility. 

Overseas families may lose access to Defence Medical Services. Families moving location will need to change healthcare provider, potentially in another part of the UK, requiring them to:

• Register with new GPs
• Establish relationships with new healthcare providers
• Navigate mental health services precisely when they are most needed
• Ensure continuity of care for children during a critical period

The loss of Military Community represents the most underestimated impact. Military families often live in close communities where neighbours understand the lifestyle, share common experiences, and provide mutual support. Leaving military accommodation means:

• Losing the only community that truly understands military loss
• Isolation from others who “speak the language” of military life
• Reduced access to military support services and resources
• For children, separation from friends who understand having a military parent
• Loss of connection to unit families who may be the only ones who knew the deceased in their service role
• The shared identity and purpose that structured their lives
• Established supportive relationships

At their most vulnerable, families must navigate extensive bureaucracy - updating MOD records, processing claims, coordinating military funerals, registering the death, sorting through legal and financial documents, liaising with police/ Procurators Fiscal (the Fiscal must enquire into any death where the circumstances point to suicide). Many report this feeling surreal and overwhelming, causing further anxiety arising from the fear of missing something important.

Families may endure a coroner’s inquest or a Fatal Accident Inquiry, which can occur months or years after the death. This process delays closure and can retraumatise families and may involve detailed examination of the deceased’s mental state and circumstances. It can bring unwanted media attention and force families to relive painful details publicly. The process may describe previously unknown details about the life or death of the deceased and may raise questions about MoD responsibility that are never fully resolved.

Military families may be stationed far from extended family networks. Death often prompts a desire to return “home”, requiring a major move during grief - selling property, uprooting children, finding new employment, and rebuilding social networks from scratch. For some families, however, “home” is ambiguous after years of military postings.

Loss of a Military Parent

Military children face compounded losses:

• Death of their parent
• Loss of their home and neighbourhood
• Potential school changes
• Feeling that they have to support the surviving parent and ‘grow up too soon’
• Worry about the remaining parent also dying
• Feel responsible for siblings’ well-being
• Separation from military community and friends who understand
• Loss of identity as a “military kid”
• Possible relocation away from their surviving parent’s support system
• Loss of the structure and predictability that military life provided

Research indicates military children who lose a parent show increased anxiety, depression, and behavioural issues, often exacerbated by these accumulated disruptions. Children bereaved by parental suicide face additional risks of mental health difficulties and may struggle with stigma among peers.

The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC) sets out the fundamental rights all children should have. It is the most widely ratified human rights treaty worldwide, covering rights to health, education, play, fair treatment, protection from exploitation and the right to be heard. The UNCRC was incorporated into Scots law through the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (Incorporation) (Scotland) Act, which received Royal Assent in January 2024. Scotland is the first devolved government to directly incorporate the UNCRC into law within the limits of devolved competence.

Children also face challenges around sharing the circumstances of their loss. They may have to repeat and relive their experience of loss many times, for example when moving schools or meeting new friends. The complexities of what to share, who they can trust and revisiting their trauma can have an enormous and long-lasting impact on their capacity to deal with their grief. Educators, GPs and others need to be aware of when to access specialist support and input.

Long-Term Considerations

Military families face unique reminders of their loss. These might include Remembrance Sunday, Armed Forces Day, unit homecomings, news of military casualties or veteran suicides, or even seeing someone in uniform. These events are in addition to occasions which are particularly challenging for bereaved children such as Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. Any of these events can reactivate grief unexpectedly.

Families must decide what to tell others, how to explain the death to children at different developmental stages, and how to honour their loved one whilst acknowledging the manner of death. Some families maintain connections to military community through organisations like Scotty’s Little Soldiers (for bereaved military children) or other veteran family networks. Others deliberately distance themselves. Neither approach is wrong, but families may struggle with which path feels right.

Bereavement in Later Life

The veteran population in Scotland has a higher average age compared to the general population, and with advancing age comes a greater likelihood of experiencing bereavement. Age Scotland has produced a valuable guide to bereavement in later life, offering practical advice and emotional support for those affected. Statistically, a significant proportion of the older bereaved population will either have served in the Armed Forces themselves or have been the partner of someone who did. While their personal experience of grief may not be directly influenced by military service that occurred many years earlier, their connection to the veteran community means they may be entitled to a broader range of practical and emotional support than their civilian counterparts.

Reaching this community can be challenging, as many individuals may be unaware of the range of organisations available to support them - offering help with everything from financial assistance to reducing loneliness and social isolation. This underscores the importance of proactively identifying members of the veteran community when they engage with health, social care, or community services. By asking whether someone has served in the Armed Forces, or is the partner of a veteran, professionals can connect them to a much wider network of support and services designed to improve wellbeing and quality of life.

Impact of Bereavement on those with Disabilities

Losing a carer through bereavement can have a devastating and far-reaching impact on a disabled veteran, particularly for those living with complex injuries or sensory impairments. For many, their carer is not only a source of daily practical support but also their emotional anchor and primary link to independence. When that person dies, the veteran may face sudden isolation, a collapse in routine, and overwhelming uncertainty about the future. The carer often managed medical appointments, transport, finances, and social contact, so their loss can leave the veteran struggling to cope with both grief and the practical realities of life without that essential support.

For veterans with physical injuries such as limb loss, spinal trauma, or mobility impairment, the loss of a carer may immediately restrict their ability to carry out essential daily activities, leading to a rapid decline in health and wellbeing. Those with sensory impairments, such as sight or hearing loss, face particular risks: their carer may have acted as their interpreter, communicator, and guide in navigating a world not always accessible to their needs. The sudden absence of that trusted person can heighten disorientation, fear, and vulnerability, often leading to social withdrawal and loss of confidence.

Practical challenges also emerge immediately after bereavement. It may be that the veteran has managed without any intervention other than their carer’s support. As was explained during a visit to Sight Scotland Veterans, there may be no change in a person’s visual impairment, but bereavement can bring a sudden and dramatic increase in support needs. The transition to new care arrangements can be slow, bureaucratic, and emotionally exhausting, especially when the veteran is already struggling with grief. The sudden absence of advocacy - someone who helped manage appointments, benefits, and medical communication - can leave veterans feeling abandoned by the very systems meant to support them. Without timely intervention, this combination of grief, disrupted routine, and loss of independence can lead to declining physical health, increased risk of depression, and social withdrawal.

By ensuring a swift, compassionate, and coordinated response, the Armed Forces and veteran welfare community can help prevent the loss of a carer from spiralling into deeper crisis. Early intervention, continuity of care, and emotional support are critical to preserving the dignity, stability, and wellbeing of disabled veterans as they navigate one of the most challenging transitions of their lives.